Jealousy

Hi!
My name is Sarah. And I’m a recovering jealous person.

Previously, jealousy turned me a person that I wasn’t proud of. Someone who snooped into their boyfriends phones in the middle of the night, someone who would stare at girls and wish that I were them, stalk hot girls for hours on end on social media, go extra FBI on my guys ex’s just to know everrrythingggggg about them. Not to mention I used to check my boyfriends emails to see if he was cheating on me, and I couldn’t concentrate at work because I was consumed when I saw him speaking with some girl who was attractive. We’ve all been there right? Lets be real.

Jealousy is bad when it is not contained. It makes us do uncontrollable, ridiculous things. It also sucked a lot of my time and energy, and certainly made me anxious and always highly strung. I had no rest or peace. And all in all, jealousy makes us look stupid, loose dignity and respect for ourselves.

The last few years have been a journey on jealousy and I knew it was a problem that I really needed and wanted to deal with. I feel near the end of that journey, and I would say I’m getting closer and closer to where I’d like to be through the help from God. But at times it momentary slips and I have to drag my butt out of the mud again.

Jealousy is such an ugly word. It comes with such negative connotations. And usually when someone calls you “jealous”, it’s never said nicely.

So how do we separate jealousy and insecurity?

Because I feel like they come hand in hand. If I were secure in myself, a hot chick can come in to the room and it wouldn’t be an issue.If I were secure in myself, then I wouldn’t find myself needing to check on my boy’s phone.  If I were secure in myself, I should be ok to leave my boy with another attractive girl and be able to leave the room without worrying that their going to run off together.

Is it a ME issue or a THEM issue? Are you jealous because you lack self esteem? Or are you jealous because the person made you feel insecure?

I remember my ex’s would always label me a “jealous, possessive” girlfriend. Kind of to the point that I just accepted that I will always be jealous and possessive. That it was my nature to have to snoop for the rest of my life because I was a very insecure, possessive, jealous, etc… you get the drill.

Now after having some time on my own (YES single life!!!) and also going on a few amazing dates with a special someone, I’ve realised that I don’t feel jealous nor insecure about our relationship just by the way that he treats me and makes me feel protected. Even though its early days, it makes me now reflect on my previous relationships and question whether is it just me maturing over time? Or is it because this particular amazing man makes me feel very secure and protected? Maybe its a combination of both.

Its made me think a lot on how I used to feel jealous constantly to how I feel now. And jealous is never something that we have to have forever, but something that is a symptom from how we view ourselves or how we are treated externally.  

  1. Start with yourself:
    If you are single and find yourself jealous of other women/men it’s obvious that this is a you issue. If you find being intimidated by other women/men then it shows that you don’t know who you are and what you are worth. Be secure in yourself and you’ll find yourself being less jealous of other people, as you will know your value and what you can bring to the table. 

    Who are you?
    Let me remind you that you are LOVED by God, chosen, blessed.. above all the other characteristics that God has given you before you were even born.  That is your identity! Don’t believe me? Heres the word:

    Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
        you formed me in my mother’s womb.
    I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
        Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
        I worship in adoration—what a creation!
    You know me inside and out,
        you know every bone in my body;
    You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
        how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
    Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
        all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
    The days of my life all prepared
        before I’d even lived one day.
    Psalms 139: 13-16 (MSG)

     

    He’s given you different gifts and quirks. Can you draw? Paint? Sing? Dance? Are you Funny? These are your traits that make you… you.

    Go deep into the roots where you started questioning who you are
    When you were a child, you weren’t insecure. You were full of life, energy, confidence. But things in your life started to make you question maybe you weren’t so fabulous anymore.

    Abuse. Parents putting their expectations onto you. You comparing yourself to other children. “Friends” saying things about you behind your back. “Friends” saying things to your face. People putting you down. Bullying. Then as you get older you go through the opposite sex breaking your heart. I remember in high school I had dated one guy for 4 months. It was puppy love. And he broke up with me over email when he went overseas. A few weeks later I found out he was dating a girl in my school who was a “friend”. The whole group bullied me in my school by trolling my blog. The couple came to the formal together and I saw them everywhere. I eventually got over it as you do. But I think that seed of rejection and fear of abandonment never left. And I found that as I was going into my next relationship which was a 2 year relationship with my first love, I already had seeds of rejection and jealousy of another girl ‘stealing’ him away. I went into every other relationship as jealous as ever. But that doesn’t mean every boy will cheat on me. Nor does it mean that every boy will leave me for my friend or another girl. (And if they did, they weren’t worth it anyway.)

    I also remember my mother always wanting me to be the best and first at everything. She would constantly compare me to this girl from church who was one year younger. But she was way smarter than me and to my mum’s dismay she wished I was equally as smart. Schools make us compete with each other to get our UAI. Comparison is embedded in our culture. As I started getting older, it move from my academic marks to aesthetic appearance. I remember I was in year 8. I was in this asian group and I had nooo idea what it meant to be pretty. I was just focused on sport and getting good grades, my looks were the last thing on my mind. But I remember one girl when up to me randomly and said “You’re pretty. But you’re not as pretty as Grace.” And I was like… huh? Why would you say that? It had never even crossed my mind. But after they had said that, now I thought it was a competition. Now with social media, facebook, instagram. It is so easy to be absorbed by flicking through girls instagrams and comparing ourselves with them.

    I really like this quote:
    flower.jpg
    If flowers can do that, why can’t men and women just stand next to each other and just accept that we are all flawed but also beautiful, special and unique in our own way.

    So, what are you worth? See how God sees you. Because he made you. 
    First and most important is – you are worth God dying on the cross for your sins 2019 years ago so that you can have freedom. Despite our own unworthiness, why are we worthy then? Because it’s already paid for. The price tag is already there. So if the God of the universe loved you that much, then accept that you are that important to him. Yes! You are worth him coming off his throne, to go to the ends of the earth to come and sacrifice himself for you.

    “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7

    Accept the truth
    There will always be somebody smarter, taller, shorter, slimmer, fitter, prettier, successful, richer, wiser, funnier, trendier, stylish-er, eloquenter.. (and if you think of any other “-er” word that I haven’t mentioned then that also…) than you. Yep. I said it. I think this set me free.
    To know that I will never be the best at everything. And that is AY-OK. Just because someone is prettier, or smarter, or more successful doesn’t make me less of who I am. God is a generous God. He can bless other people’s lives whilst also still blessing yours. They might be in a different season in their life compared to yours. God may bless you financially, whilst God is blessing another girl with a husband. Or vice versa. That doesn’t mean your blessing isn’t waiting for you or on its way.

    We need to also realise that we see things “filtered”. Everyone is realistically struggling with something. So once we stop seeing other females/males as “threats” and just normal human beings, it makes you less jealous and more empathetic for them. Just because they are prettier doesn’t mean they don’t struggle from insecurity and identity issues. Just because they are blessed with 3 properties and a successful business doesn’t necessarily mean they are content and happy. So once we realise that we are all in it together, then lets start raising each other up. It makes us less jealous/insecure and more compassionate.

    Also accept truth that there is only ONE of you. That you were made specially and with so much thought. From the colour of your eyes, hair, your height, your feet size, the tone of your voice. This makes you unique.

    Question
    Whether the scenario you are playing in your head is fact or fiction.
    Is that girl really more successful than you? And even if she is, does it matter?
    Is your significant other really flirting with the girl across the bar, or just being genuinely nice because they are a nice person. It’s important to separate our reality from our imagination. If you know your partner is a loving, trustworthy, genuine, caring, thoughtful and just a confident person who can be nice to both male and females. If he treats you like a QUEEN and just trying to have manners, then most likely that good looking girl across the room is not a threat, and it may just be your insecurity. And that’s ok, because you can deal with it 🙂

     A wife of noble character who can find?
        She is worth far more than rubies.
    Proverbs 31:10

    Start praying
    Pray to God to release you from the bondage of jealousy. Yep. I had to do it. Everyday for months and months and months. Pray that he gives you freedom in that area of your life.

    Best thing I heard wise person said was to start praying for those who I was jealous of. It may be hard initially. But when you start praying blessings over their life, you can’t help to start having a softer heart towards them and actually feeling like you want them to succeed.

    Then also pray for God to reveal how he sees you. He will speak to you about how much he loves you and how much he thinks you are worthy. And thats the best 🙂

2. Look at your environment:
Where do I start?….

Make sure you aren’t dating someone that doesn’t have boundaries.
If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog.. then its a dog. So if they SHADY, they are SHADDDYYYY!

Then honnneeeyyyy, you have everyyyy reason to feel insecure. It doesn’t mean that you stay put and play the victim, or wish and pray to change them.

 If they don’t want to label your relationship but you guys are sleeping together for a number a months. If they aren’t introducing you to all their friends of the opposite sex. If he still chats up other girls and wants to keep your relationship “open”. If he is flirting with every single girl at church and you just seem to be one of them. If their dating multiple people at the same time. If they have wondering eyes.

Then that isn’t you being jealous. That is a person who is not making you feel secure. That is a person who does not know what they want, whilst still having their cake and eating it too. 

I can’t believe how many times my ex’s have called me a “jealous” person. They would search for random girls we met at party that night on facebook and look at their bikini photos when I wasn’t there. They would flirt with my friends in front of me. They would message another girl and blow me off for our date so they could go gyming with another girl, and not once would I actually ever meet this “friend.” They would go out to dinner with the same girlfriend, and constantly tell them intimate details of our relationship. They would constantly speak to their ex’s and be their emotional support.

My ex who would constantly speak to girls, even knowing they knew they had liked him. (They confessed to him) I would say just give it a day or two to at least to show that he was 1) taken 2) not interested because he’s taken but still respond nicely. Somehow this really confused him as he felt that that would hurting their feelings, so instead he’d respond straight away while he was with me, still have long stingy conversations so that he wouldn’t feel “bad” that they saw he read their message. Now this was a constantly thing in our relationship. Girls reaching out (because he was that “nice guy” to complain about their relationship issues to), so he would shower them with compliments, buy them small gifts to cheer them up, go out of his way to make them feel comfortable. Which at first seemed a great trait and very generous. But when it starts being excessive like buying a car for a random girl he met travelling a few years ago because he wants to make sure he’s taking care of a “friend”. This was at an expense of not being as present in our relationship. I knew he would never cheat, but the fact his attention was given to all these random girls (who he wasn’t even technically that close) to made me feel not that special..  Nowwww that’s pushing past healthy boundaries…

If you’re significant other is entertaining another person of the opposite sex (especially if you have not met them) for their own enjoyment, pleasure and self-esteem. That is NOT jealousy.  That is a person who is making you feel insecure in the relationship, which subsequently is making you feel jealous when there is another threat to the relationship.

A true person who cares for you and values your relationship, will have healthy boundaries with people of the opposite sex because they understand how it would make you feel. They will make you feel protected and secure, and will not try to entertain people just for their own lack of self-esteem.

Does that mean that we should not have friends of the opposite sex?

OF course we should have friends of the opposite sex! Having unrealistic expectations to “NEVER SPEAK TO THE OPPOSITE SEX!” isn’t healthy and shouldn’t happen as its controlling and possessive.

God put man and woman on this earth for a reason. To cohabit. To reproduce. To be in community. We have our own strengths and weaknesses which is why he put us together to work together.

But there should be healthy boundaries. The things you used to do when you were single, no longer applies when you are in a relationship. Remember every relationship needs security and trust. This needs to be built over time. It can also be lost very quickly, unless you are constantly intentional.

You deserve a partner who honours you and at least tries to keep to their healthy boundaries and also understand your boundaries. You deserve a partner who is wise and mature enough to want to include you in things to make you feel protected, heard and secure.

Make sure you aren’t surrounded by people who are constantly trying to compete with you. 
Have a look with the people that surround you. Are they constantly rubbing their achievements in your face to somewhat compete with you? Are you surrounding yourself with people who flaunt what they have just to feed their ego? Do the people around try to lift you up or are they passive aggressive in your time of success? Do you see them compare themselves to other girls and suddenly notice that you need to do the same?

It is said “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” It’s important you are around people who are confident enough to celebrate in other peoples achievements and successes. Who you can fully trust. People who are generous enough to give their resources to see other people do well in life. The more you are around people like this, the more you will want to become more like that.

What are you putting in your spirit
Social media is the root of all evil. It skews our views on what is “normal” and everything is fabricated. Body shapes, travel photos, partying it up. It all gives you a sense of FOMO. A fear that your body isn’t up to scratch. A fear that you don’t have a partner. A fear that you don’t have that house. A fear that you haven’t travelled to 70 countries. A fear that you are behind on the normal “timelines…”

For a period of time , detox from social media. Feed yourself with the God’s truth and whats is real and worth fussing over. Wait until your cup is overflowing. Then naturally you’ll just want to give to others than be jealous of another person. Because you will be so filled with the right things (God’s truth) then lies (society’s perceived norms).

So from one recovering jealous person to another.

Jealousy is not from God but of the flesh.

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Galatians 5:19-21

It steals our joy. It steals our peace. It’s damn tiring. And if it ain’t from God.

I don’t want it 🙂 Hope this blesses you.

x

 

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