2017 was a great of great triumphs and lows and I would love to share my year.
All I can say is that:
God is Good
and everything he does may not make sense in the moment but in hindsight everything is in his timing.
I started the year off in 2017 with a boyfriend. It was my first ever courtship. What is a courtship you ask? I will write a blog post on it very soon. I did write one but deleted it for varies reasons but I will be making a new one very very soon.
Just as a quick summary.
Courtship is a christian way of dating where two people date for the intention of marriage. Basically the whole courtship is to see whether you are compatible enough for marriage with the guidance of God in the centre of your relationship. When God gives the ok, that’s when the couple moves onto marriage.
What I learnt from my courtship?
1. Not every christian, celibate man is the one God has for you.
I fell into the trap of thinking that the first christian man (since my salvation and promise to being celibate) was going to be my husband. He believed in God, he has similar interests and he was celibate.
What else could be wrong?
The fact he was totally wrong for me. I got so swept up with “signs” and that he was so perfect for me that I missed all the red flags that pointed to him not being the right person for me. Just because he was christian didn’t mean he lived on fire for the Lord. Just because he was celibate doesn’t mean he wasn’t lusting over me.
2. God needs to be the centre of the relationship at all times
This is probably my first but anyway. God needs to lead every step during a courtship. This means having separate prayer time to speak to God to give you discernment and conviction whether this is the one he has sent for you.
I got swept away with the fact that I was just praying with somebody that I got so excited. Not knowing, that’s just the bare minimum. You need to have you’re own walk with the Lord, and them too. And during my courtship when we had our own time with the Lord we were more convicted of what we were doing wrong in our own life.
We didn’t have to tell each other to fix each other. The holy spirit was working within us already to convict us.
When you spend 100% of your time together, you start making each other idols and the focus gets pulled away from God. And when you’re focus turns away from God, that’s when your relationship will eventually fall apart.
3. Communication is key
My previous relationship before this courtship were caught up in lust. When we had major issues, we either fought or had sex. Mostly had sex. When you’re in a courtship, you have no choice but to talk about it as there isn’t any physical contact to mask your problems.
You realise very quickly how poor your communication skills are and how many problems you have very early on in the relationship. Which is great. I’d rather spend only a few months than years with the wrong person.
The 3 books that helped me the most were:
1. Then Bible (of course)
2. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
3. 5 Languages of love
I would highly recommend these books to anyone who would want a happy relationship/marriage.
The most important is learning how to fight well. Not just winning each fight. And definitely its not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
4. Devil may be distracting you from your purpose
Another trap is from sending you something that is very close to what you want, the devil can distract you from your purpose. I asked for signs to even show if he was my husband. And low and behold there were SIGNS.
Never trust signs.
The devil is listening to all your prayers with God and can give you something very similar to what you want, but FAR from what you need.
I found when I was in this relationship, all my desires went out the window. It was partially my fault. But I was sure this was the one, and I wanted to give it my all.
My ambitions to become an actor went out. We fully immerse ourselves in dancing that seemed purposeless. We had no goal as a couple that glorified the kingdom of God. We spoke like we were already married or what we were going to do when we were married.
Wrong wrong wrong.
If he was a man walking with God, he will have purpose, he will lead you towards the Lord, he will bring you closer not further from your called purpose and he will guard your heart.
And if he knew you were his wife, you will be his wife.
If a man wants to marry you. He will marry you.
A man with just words and no action, is just a man with unfulfilled promises.
5. Always see the fruit before you commit to a relationship
Before saying YES to being a girlfriend/boyfriend, first see their fruits of their spirit whilst being their friend. Are they serving? Are they reading the bible every day on their own? Know what you want in your husband and are they already walking that walk?
Also are you what you want in your husband?
What I found was I rushed very quickly into this courtship. I had no time to see the fruit of the tree. He already knew he liked me for months and was already listening onto the things I liked. So he told me what I wanted to hear.
Be cautious. Because the things that he does to pursue and impress you, if they aren’t of his nature naturally, it will very quickly fade.
6. Baggage is real. Deal with it before you commit to somebody else. This works both ways
I think in this day and age where most people have had multiple exs, childhood trauma, past rejection; baggage is real and dealing with your baggage before you get into a relationship is important.
Learn to evaluate your situation and past, learn what went wrong. Often or not it is easier to play the victim, but sometimes being mature could be asking the question “how did I contribute to that break up?” “how can I better myself?” or simply recognising that that relationship break down was due to THAT person being incomplete and you could never fulfil them. Recognise that God is the only thing that can fill your void. By his grace and love, he can restore and give you a new heart.
Give yourself time to heal between relationships and your past. And see the early signs of a broken person who you should avoid being in a relationship with.
7. Sexual purity is important
When I made my vow to stay celibate until marriage, I thought that being celibate just meant abstaining from sex. I didn’t know whether you could do everything under the sun, but just NOT sex.What does the bible say about it?
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18
As much as I wanted to pat myself on the back about abstaining from sex (which mind you is super hard when you’ve 1) already had sex. 2) your hormones are raging and you are “attracted” to the other person) I felt even more convicted. God says to FLEE from it, NOT get as close as the line as you can. This is why is it super important that you have a partner who is in line with you, who is equally convicted as you and will lead you correctly. Don’t forget…
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
Don’t think you have strength in your own will to abstain from sex. You should be fleeing it, not testing how far you can get without succumbing to temptation. Because in the end, the enemy will win and you would have invited many many demons into your life.
8. Listen to GOD.
If he tells you that it ain’t your husband, LISTEN to him. You are praying “God, tell me is this is my husband?” and he’s tapping you on the shoulder, sending you signs and you still caught up on Bazza. If he ain’t for you, then leave him! As you are playing with someone else’s husband!
I hope this helps somebody. Let’s say that I’m go glad that I learnt all of this before I was in a marriage. Few months later, I’ve seen how much God has transformed me, how our relationship has grown and what my true purpose is. If I had continued with that relationship, it would’ve taken me on a totally different road, AWAY from my purpose.
Who we yoke with is important. So listen to God and everything will come : )
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33