Content in the Singleness

From a very young age, Disney/Hollywood movies has projected that without Prince Charming, we are very much incomplete. That we need another “half” to somewhat survive or even feel classed “wanted” by this society.

The reason why I say this?

Constantly we are pressured to feel that we need a partner. People give comments like “Why are you really single?” “Aww, you’ll meet your prince charming soon!” “Don’t you know your clock is ticking?” “God will bring your spouse in his timing…” making singles feel like they need to reach a certain level of spirituality to receive their “Boaz” or promised partner. And until that point, they aren’t really fully living into the “full” calling that God put them in. Society (Christian and secular) has gotten this deluded idea that without a partner, a person is somewhat unfulfilled and useless.

Have we forgotten that Jesus was single? And from the looks of it, he was living in the FULLNESS of his calling and CONTENT might I say.

And from this deluded idea, it makes people rushed into one relationship after another.

I do believe God wants people to be paired up. AND it’s OK to desire to be married.
He says numerous times in the bible that two are better than one.

Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

But that doesn’t mean we have to feel discontent in the waiting process. And most certainly does not mean he cannot use singles.

So how do we feel content in the singleness and enjoy this season?

1. By focusing our relationship on God
If you don’t know God personally this is the best time to get to know him. Why not get to know the creator of the universe? The God who made the oceans, mountains, sky and animals on earth. It was NOT by chance. The rain falls cyclically, the clouds are formed differently every single second of each day, the mountains are bigger than any man-made tower, the trees are different bearing different fruits and flowers. Each one of us are made SO differently- ranging from our physical looks, the tone of our voice, our personality, our interests, our gifts and down to our very fingerprint! We were not a mutation! We are not a mistake! We are made with every single purpose and thought. How creative is our GOD!

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalms 139:16-18

How do we improve our relationship with God or get to know God?

It’s not as difficult as people make it to seem.

Speak to God. Give him your worries. Give him your triumphs. When you are driving to work, just have a conversation with him as if he is sitting next to you. When you are stuck in traffic, just vent to him. When you are going through a rough time, just speak to him.

And know that there might be times where you will feel closer to God and sometimes you may not be putting God in the front of your mind and that’s ok. There is no condemnation. Just simply, come back to him and re-establish your relationship. You will hear him respond. You will start to see him manifest in your day. You will start to see his miracles. You will start to feel his presence and its AWESOME.

And I like to say that we are just trying to recalibrate ourselves to his wavelength. God is constantly present, despite us wanting to seek him or not. He will never leave you or forsake you. Kind of like Where’s Wally. He is ALWAYS there in the picture, but we have to know that he exists, get rid of some noise/distractions and go find him.

God leads us through his holy spirit. His voice is still, small and soft. Not because he wants to hide, but because he is gentle and wants us to seek him. The more we seek him, the more of his glory we see. There are incidences where God has spoken in a loud and audible voice, but like a loving earthly father, his usual voice is gentle.

Why is this relationship important? 
When we have a relationship with the creator, we will find out more about ourselves. God knows you more than you know yourself.
You will find purpose. You will find the gifts that he has specifically given you. You will find why you are on this earth. Through his Holy Spirit; he will speak to you, mould you into the best version of yourself, convict you, guide you and comfort you all at the same time.

But most of all you will find LOVE.

God is love. He has loved you before you were even born. And if you learn how to love God and yourself, you will learn how to love other people because you will see them through God’s eyes and see they are just as special as you are.

It is important to love who you are, enjoy your own company and be comfortable in the skin that you in. If you haven’t read my love yourself post then feel free to click back and read it 🙂

2. By Changing Old Habits.
The biggest epiphany I had was when I realised I was the common denominator of all my failed relationships. I was single for a reason. And it’s easy to blame other people for why a relationship failed. But it takes two to tango. Playing the victim will only get you so far, and it’s an excuse for not changing your behaviour. You know why? Because it sucks having to see your flaws and having to change yourself. It’s easy to point out other peoples flaws, A LOT harder having to objectively criticise yourself as it hurts knowing that you may not be as perfect as you thought you were.

BUT Obviously what you are doing up until this point has not worked in making you feel content. So STOP you are doing and change your mindset and actions!

Stop Serial Dating
If you are a serial dater, please stop.

What is a serial dater?
Someone who needs to have multiple people messaging at the same time, multiple dates during the week and/or someone who jumps from one relationship to another. They cannot stay to be single for more than a few weeks or months. You know who you are!

This is not because dating is bad. Dating is great. But if you are constantly looking for a person or a fix to make yourself feel better. Then obviously you are NOT content in being on your own. And this isn’t because you’re a bad person. Its normal to be hurt from a past relationship, feeling lonely and needing to feel validated….But if it means dragging another poor person to fill up your misery. GIVE yourself time to heal.

How do I know? Because I was a serial dater. I always had a guy on the side who I was speaking to. I always was out for dates, and even just before my current relationship was just about to end, I already had someone lined up so I didn’t have to be on my own. But it ain’t healthy. It’s a destructive process as you aren’t giving yourself time to heal from the last relationship or just even things from your past.

So how can we overcome this serial dating phenomenon?  
Give yourself a goal of being single for “x” months. This means, no speaking/dating the opposite sex for a few days/weeks. No official relationships for a couple of months. Ask yourself if you REALLY like this person or whether they are just filling a void.

I had to go cold turkey. I had to delete the dating apps, stop speaking to the opposite sex and if I found myself bored.. I’d spend time with God, go pick up a hobby and force myself to not text someone.

But saying that…

Get Rid of Distractions
As much as focusing on your career, travelling the world, moving overseas, and learning different skills/hobby are great when you are newly single.. Often they are short term bandaids to numb or distract people from feeling hurt or wounded.

But if you are recently single and have not had time to grieve over the loss of the relationship. Give yourself significant amount of time to actually reflect on the relationship and where it may have gone wrong.

It’s ok if you need a little bit of a pick-me-up when you have just broken up, to show that you can have a life outside of the person you were dating, but eventually you’ll have to reach a point where you have to face your emotions and get rid of some distractions to heal properly.

And no, 1-3 month isn’t a “significant” amount of time. I’m sorry. 

3. By preparing and refining your character

Work on yourself.

Most people want a partner but don’t want to do the work. And the work doesn’t start when you meet the person. The process starts before the person. The same as an athlete who needs to train before the olympics. The same as before a dish is presented in a restaurant, the ingredients needs to be prepared, measured, put together in the kitchen before the final product. The same as a baby in the womb, it has to develop its heart, eyes, head, mouth, nose all at a specific time, and it has to finish its process before birth or then it’ll become premature.

Same as a lot of the singles or even taken people these days. People are rushing into relationships prematurely.

Are you loving? Are you patient? Are you kind? Are you gentle? Are you selfish? Are you self-sacrificing? Are you forgiving?

These are ingredients that people need to learn before they meet the person. And I’m well aware that back in the day people were married at 16 years old, who probably were still trying to find themselves. But society has now changed where it is statistically proven that Millennials are on the upside more open-minded, dreamers, liberal, but on the downside…more self-entitled, lazy, narcissistic and prone to jump from job to job. It’s a generalisation, but we can see that most of our generation expects the good outcome with little input.

Socially we are more consumerist driven. From our clothes, technology, jobs and now even our relationships. Its the mindset of.. “I will take as much as I can until it no longer serves me no more” rather than… “I will invest in this to do my bit and commit. ”

Good things take work. Including mental and physical health, as well as relationships and self-love. The goal is not just for a relationship/marriage, but the goal is to have a content, fulfilling single life, and a long, happy marriage (when the time is right).

Preparation is more important for longevity. So how do we prepare?

Ask these questions:
– Who do you want to be? As a single. As a Parent. As a partner.
– What are your strengths? Be nice to yourself. What are you good at? Are you a people person? Good at building rapport? Caring? Thoughtful? Are you funny? Are you cute and petite? Are you tall and lanky? Do you have a great smile? Do you have a great attitude to life? This isn’t being arrogant but confident. So be confident in what you can give the world and OWN IT! Yes own it! There is only one of you!  So give us your version of you! When people compliment you, receive it and own it! It’s highly attractive. And people will find you attractive when you are able to own being in your own skin! YESSSS!!!!
– What are your flaws? What are the things do you struggle with while you are single? Do you struggle with finances? Be real and write down what stops you being the best version of yourself. Also don’t make it a pity party.  Also be open to criticism. Surround yourself with people that you trust and that you know love you. And if they notice something that you do all the time then be mindful that may be a flaw. For example, I had a friend who told me that I held grudges. If your last 3 exs told you, you have an anger problem and daddy issues… then most likely you have daddy issue. If you have problems saying sorry quickly, then that could be something you could work on.

I found it difficult apologising for small things as it really killed my ego. My problem was uncontrolled anger, self-centredness, stubbornness. I wasn’t patient, I wasn’t kind, I was petty with small things. So I had to relearn through the Holy Spirit how to have a kinder and loving nature. And it doesn’t happen all the time. But the more you practice, the more it’ll become automatic.
– What do you look for in a partner? What are the non-negotiables and the negotiables? What values do you want them to have? What personality? What is a deal breaker? Can they be a good parent? Are they spirit filled? Are they loving, caring, thoughtful, selfless? You need to know what you are looking for, to find it. Also it’s important to know what you want so you can easily weed out the bad eggs. AND PLEASE do not date someone for their “potential.” It’ll never work. We know that. So save the heart-ache and the time. It’s hard enough sticking and changing your own habits, let alone trying to change someone else’s. It won’t happen. So save yourself.
– What are your past wounds? Write down where you may have been hurt in the past by exs, friends, family. Often we charge others for past hurts. To avoid this recognise your patterns. Recognise where you need to forgive others.Worst than being hurt by a person, is having to carry it throughout your life in anger, bitterness and trust issues.
What are the desires of your heart? Most people do the typical “I want to travel the world,” “move overseas” but they aren’t real desires. Desires are BIG RIDICULOUS OUTRAGEOUS dreams. So be outrageous. Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you’ll reach amongst the stars! God is big and he gives us big dreams. Don’t put God in a box.
What do you think your purpose is in life? 
What do you want to be remembered for? Are you that person now? That’s ok. Now you can work into being that person!

These questions will give you purpose and goals, instead of wandering aimlessly whilst you are waiting for “the one.”

4. Enjoy the Spontaneity and Free Time 

My recent trip to Melbourne was eye-opening as it was somewhat impulsive. God revealed quite a lot about me without even knowing. But there are many things that you can do while you are single, that you can’t do while in a relationship or when you have a family. So enjoy the freedom of having so much spare time and being able to be spontaneous:

Go out salsa dancing with the opposite sex
Randomly book a flight to go travel interstate or the world
Quit your job
Packing up your life and move to a completely different country to pursue your dreams
Strike up random conversations with the opposite sex
Exercise a lot to get that sexy body
Learn a new skill and hobby
Ministering to people – people of the opposite sex
Knock back some things on your bucket-list
Do charity work
Spend time with people who need company (Elderly)
Get another degree
Have girls nights/boys trips away
Enjoy time/holidaying with family (They only get older)
Reach out to those who are broken and help raise them up…
Watch whatever genre of movie.. whenever you want (no need to come to a compromise)
Dating – as much it can scary, it can also be a fun process
Staying out late any night of the week
Living on your own
Buying clothes, shoes, games, whatever your hearts desire…. instead of diapers

Just a few things that would be harder to do if you had to take another person into account. It’s not impossible. But we can’t expect our married life to be exactly the same as a life as a single. So enjoy it!

Don’t have the money? Well, lucky you asked. I’m asian and quite good at getting good deals. There are PLENTY of deals on group-on that are cheap means of travelling and picking up new hobbies. So be spontaneous (because you can) and book something! 

You won’t be single forever, so enjoy the season. And remember that singleness is a choice. Same as picking your friends, you can pick who you date. So the ball is in your court.

6. By Surrounding yourself with a community

Spend more time trying to surround yourself with the right type of people. And having a great group of friends really helps the single life.

Most of your friends taken and all shacked up? That’s ok, it gives you permission to go out of your comfort zone and meet new people. Get a new connect group, pick up a hobby, go to a new cafe so you meet people that you’ve never met before. And since time isn’t a factor, you can spend a significant amount of time to build quality friendships! Its hard making the time when you are in a relationship to set time aside to catch up for coffee with a specific person, so make the time when you are free.

You also never know who you are going to meet through a friend of a friend of a friend 🙂

6. By working towards our purpose and desires in our hearts that God has placed in you.
I think its wonderful that God puts burning passions and purpose in our hearts. A destiny he already wrote in the book of life before he gave us life on this earth. What even more wonderful is that our passions and purposes are different for each and every one of us.

The single life is the best time to drive full force towards our purpose. For example, my purpose is to be an actor which gives me a platform to show God’s love on people in the entertainment industry: whether it be through my acting work, during auditions, through people I met on set or acting class and even my day to day… But to be an actor also requires a lot of time dedicated to my craft including learning scripts, refining my US accent, filming self tapes down, ensuring I keep connected to the people around me whilst also doing a job on set if I’m booked.

This would be wayyyyyyy harder if I were in a relationship. Definitely not possible. But it’ll be hard, especially as a fresh actor trying to establish myself in the industry.

So where do you think God has called you to be? Where do you think he has placed you and are you there yet? Not saying you won’t get there if you were in a relationship, but it’s much easier focusing on yourself and your purpose having to take somebody else into account – let alone if you had a child.

Definitely not impossible. But harder (Unless your partner was already going toward the same purpose). This is why its important you know what you want, where you want to go, what you want to do with your life before dragging another person who may have completely different goals.

So find your lane and the destination you are headed…

Don’t forget it’s all for Gods glory. It is just a season.

So enjoy the singleness because it sure is fun! 🙂

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